Extreme Makeover: Lindsay Edition

A Promise To Myself

2011-10-22T00:57:00.006-05:00

I never reported on my Monday weigh-in. Well, I gained .6 pounds. Considering the horrible choices I had made last week, that was a welcome surprise. Unfortunately, the vicious cycle of poor choices has continued into this week. Why am I doing this to myself? I am so close and it's like I'm doing everything I possibly can to sabotage myself.

I'd like to make a promise to myself. I promise to stay true to my diet for the next month. That means 30 full days. No interruptions. Beginning Monday, October 24, I will stick to my diet, no matter what. I know that no one reads this but just typing it and knowing that it's out there for someone to stumble upon makes me feel like I should be held accountable. Regardless of who does or does not read this, I should be able to hold myself accountable. I'm the one who has to look in the mirror every day and I should be able to see a reflection that I'm proud of.

In case the tone of this post isn't clear, I'm disappointed in myself, but I have time to change this negative into a huge positive. If I can lose 10 pounds in the next 30 days, I will surpass all of my weight-loss expectations. I don't think that taking the time to make the right decisions for a little over 4 weeks should be a struggle. The struggle is only in my mind and I have the power to control it.

When I wake up on Monday, I absolutely refuse to do anything that will jeopardize my goal. That's the promise I'm making to myself.

I Must Confess

2011-10-11T00:16:00.004-05:00

I weighed in. Lost .8 pounds. Meh.

So here's a doozy. I pretty much consumed enough junk food to feed a small village tonight. Why? Well, we had a family movie night. It was The Lion King. THE LION KING! If you ask me, this was completely called for. Okay, no it wasn't.

I ate an entire package of Wheat Thins Baked Chips. Oink. THEN, I ate two-thirds of a package of Keebler Chips Deluxe Coconut. HOLY SHIT. Yeah. That was probably about 3,000 extra calories on top of the day's regular meals. Am I mad at myself? I'm not sure. I went to the store to buy all of this crap knowing full well that I had plans to cheat. After all, I had four weeks of being good and I thought I deserved it. Maybe I deserved a little bit, but not this much.

So, what do I do from here? I feel guilty, that's for sure. I even feel a little disappointment. At the same time, I feel like I've been missing out on something lately and this may be just what I needed. At any rate, whatever it was, I think it's out of my system now.

I vow to chase the diet wagon down right now and jump right back on. I'm sure my seat is still warm. There's still time to be where I want to be before Thanksgiving and I will do everything in my power this week to ensure that there is another loss by Monday. See you then!

Guilt Sucks

2011-10-09T15:27:00.006-05:00

Surprise!

It's Sunday and I wouldn't normally post today but I'm feeling apprehensive about my weigh-in tomorrow. For the past two days, I don't feel like I've done well. I didn't go overboard by any means, but I ate more for some reason. Okay, I can't say "for some reason" because I know the reason. Girl problems . . . if you know what I mean. Stupid Mother Nature! Regardless of how I'm feeling, I'll still weigh myself and own up to it but that doesn't mean I have to like it! I'm hoping I'll be pleasantly surprised, but I seriously doubt it.

Enough of this mopey-ness! Whatever happens, I did it to myself and I will just have to deal with it and do better next week. I'm happy to say that this has become like second nature to me and I don't feel like it's a struggle anymore, despite any slip-ups I might have had this week. If I actually confessed in detail to said slip-ups, I'm sure it would be comical to anyone reading this because it was nothing drastic at all. I'm hard on myself so even a bite of something outside of the dieting realm makes me feel guilty. Ridiculous, I know.

And with that, I'll be back tomorrow with the results! Perhaps the diet gods will be smiling on me! They better be. Those bastards.

Lazy Bones Jones

2011-10-07T15:55:00.007-05:00

So here it is, Friday, and I didn't post on Monday. Why? Because I'm a lazy bum. I even had good news to report but I couldn't seem to put my fingers on my keyboard and type. All of this sitting around doing nothing is exhausting!

Now for the good news. When I stepped on the scale Monday morning, I wasn't expecting anything great because I felt like I had eaten more last week than I have since I started this. Somehow the planets aligned for me though because I had a 3.6 pound loss. That's 12 pounds total so far!

Basically, I'm a bad ass. That's all there is to it. And now I've jinxed myself and regardless of how well I've done this week, I'll probably have a 20 pound gain just for saying that. Then I will destroy the scale with my rage.

Since it's now October, I've begun counting down the days until Thanksgiving because I'm going to graze like a bovine. That's my reward . . . to become a farm animal for a day. Beautiful, ain't it? I plan to only do so if I've reached my goal and I have well over a month to do that. Ah, the stuffing is so close I can almost smell its fattening, buttery goodness.

Okay, enough nonsense. I'll post again on Monday with the results from this week. For some reason I'm not expecting much of a loss, but I hope I'm proven wrong.

Fat: My Stubborn Nemesis

2011-09-26T15:53:00.008-05:00

It's been a week since my last post so it's time for another dose of me!

Well, I weighed myself this morning and the scale went down by 1.2 pounds. I'm supposed to be happy that it was a loss but considering I'm always starving and have contemplated eating my own child at times, I feel like it should have been more. After my initial disappointment, I watched a YouTube video where a man discussed the significance of a one pound loss. He said a pound is equal to 3,500 calories, which is the equivalent of about six and a half Big Macs. What I wouldn't give for six and a half Big Macs right about now. BUT, I will continue to be strong and stay on the wagon, no matter how much it kills my very soul.

I have to make a confession. I was confronted with a situation where I had to make tough food decisions last week and while I feel that I made better choices than I normally would, I did manage to scarf down more calories than I would have liked. This may be the reason for my small loss or maybe my body is just boycotting this whole diet thing. BAD BODY! BAD!

Hopefully when I check in next week, I'll have better news to report. I give myself kudos for sticking with it for more than a couple of days this time and that should count for something, right? This better not be a plateau of any kind or there's going to be smoke in the city and that smoke will be coming off of brisket slathered in calorie-rich barbecue sauce and I will devour every last morsel!

Just kidding. See you next week!

Judgment Day

2011-09-19T11:48:00.005-05:00

I'm going to start posting on Mondays because it's my blog and I'll post when I want to, post when I want to, post when I want toooooooooooooo . . .

Gosh, what a dork.

So for the past 7 days I've been depriving myself of copious amounts of fatty calories and when I weighed myself this morning, it appears that this strategy is paying off . . . who'd have thunk it? I hopped on that dreaded piece of electronics and reluctantly peered down at the number awaiting my gaze. Happily, it was 7.2 less than the number I'd seen the previous week! Hooray for me!

I think it's safe to say that after many false starts, I'm finally taking this seriously again and those jeans I've been staring at while eating cake are looking more and more like an item of clothing and not just a closet decoration! All I need now is a bag of cash to put together a whole new wardrobe and to go on lavish vacations and my life will be complete. I guess I'll just have to start with the jeans though. Sigh.

Now, if you'll excuse me, my carrot sticks and lettuce leaves await!

The Pact

2011-09-12T01:53:00.009-05:00

I bet you thought I wasn't going to post this week, didn't you? Of course, I'm the only one who reads my blog and I didn't want to let myself down so here I am! Thank you, me!

Once again, I had a week of poor choices and I'm too fat and lazy to come up with excuses for it. So you're probably wondering why I have a weight loss blog and no weight loss? Well, naturally, I had to warm myself up before diving in. No one should jump into something cold turkey (mmmm, turkey . . . wait! FOCUS!) so I had to get some icing-covered things out of my system.

I've made a pact with two of the people in my life who are also looking to lose weight. We're basically all there to keep each other's fat asses in check. We're also there to put each other down when we fail . . . hee hee, kidding! So now that we're all ready to get moving on removing gelatinous globs of gooey fat from our bodies, today is the day!

A few rules we've set up that we better follow, or else:

1) NO EATING OUT. Now, with that being said, we have decided that once a month we will have a nice dinner at a sit-down restaurant. This will give us something to work toward and something to look forward to but we'll only go if we were good for the month!

2) NO JUNK FOOD IN THE HOUSE. There really is no exception here, save for the delightful treats that Skinny Cow has made available in our grocer's freezer.

3) NO EATING AFTER 7 O'CLOCK AT NIGHT. Nighttime is when I decide that dieting is for the birds and when that package of chocolate chip cookies has become the new ruler of my world. Resistance is futile. BUT, I will make sure that all of my meals are eaten between the hours that normal humans eat. Again, there is an exception and that is if we are watching a movie and a 100 calorie package of kettle corn is in order!

And finally,

4) WATER! What better way to get things a-churnin' than with water?! It keeps you full, it's good for you and it loosens debris in the intestines! You can't go wrong with water! So, we'll drink until drunk with success!

Those are all of the rules. Simple enough, right? Yes, it would seem so. We have no excuse not to succeed at this point. We have laid out the rules, threatened each other with bodily harm if we break them and so now it REALLY begins!

Oh, one more thing. Mondays will be our weigh-ins. I'll be hopping on the livestock scale in the morning to find out where the journey begins for the last time.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

2011-09-03T15:34:00.008-05:00

Wait . . . what?

Okay, so it's Saturday and I normally post on Sunday but I'm feeling like such a beached whale today that I thought I'd let my screaming fans know that I probably won't be weighing myself this week due to an abundance of chocolate cake that weaseled its way into my esophagus this week. I know, it's so unfair.

Oh, back to the title of this post. Well, it's just a reminder to myself that I want to lose weight before 2012 shows up to bite me in my ample ass. I have close to 4 months to lose weight and if I average 10 pounds a month (which sounds insane and probably is) then my college education tells me that that equals 40 pounds. Of course, there's no way that I want to lose 40 pounds but 20 would be nice. I keep changing what I want my goal weight to be but I really need to pick a number and stick to it. So, I will. And the magic number is . . .

140 - 145

I figure having a 5 pound window is safe for me just in case I find myself having a 140 pound day and deciding that I need that 1,000 calorie brownie a la mode to ease my PMS symptoms. Take that, Midol!

Is 140-145 realistic? Yes. Doable? I hope so. As a matter of fact, I've thought about taking video of my body (fully-clothed, you filthy animals) and its many unnatural curves and posting it to YouTube. Part of the reason I'm such a failure is that I have nothing and no one to hold me accountable. I already know that I'm much happier in a size 8 so I must resist the calorie-laden temptations that thrust themselves upon me each day.

So this, my friends, is going to prepare me for a very happy and skinny new year and by December 31st, I will have earned the 3 bottles of champagne that I plan on downing and the night of unimaginable fun and excitement that I won't remember!

Asscheeks, This Scale Ain't Big Enough For The Two Of Us

2011-08-28T13:26:00.006-05:00

I did well this week . . . that is, if "well" means eating out 3 times and bingeing on cookies. I couldn't resist the allure of fajitas, spaghetti and pizza. Just thinking of them all now makes me want to relive each calorie-laden affair. If eating mounds of fatty deliciousness is wrong, I don't want to be right.

Ahem, back to reality . . .

Despite all of my transgressions this week, I did manage to do well 3 out of the 7 days. In mathematical terms, I was strong 42.9% of the time! That's almost half! Nothing to shake a stick at, right?! Alright, I'm not even convincing myself.

I hopped onto the scale this morning and it appears that I've reduced my mass by 3.2 pounds. How this happened, I have no clue, but I'll take it! Hopefully I take this more seriously in the coming week. I still have those jeans staring me in the ass, longing to be worn, and I simply must do this for them!

See you next week!

It Begins

2011-08-21T12:32:00.011-05:00

I should probably be honest with myself and with my screaming hoards of fans and post this morning's weigh-in but the sheer horror of it all would be enough to make you throw your hands up in disgust and go order a Triple Whopper wrapped in bacon, deep-fried, and dipped in ranch dressing. I, however, choose the healthier alternative of sinking into a deep depression. Studies show that depression has less calories. Really I'm just looking out for you and since I don't want to burden you with numbers, I will keep a separate journal with that crap.

Okay, I knew that this was going to be a challenge and since I don't have any other pressing obligations at the moment, I'll accept this challenge. Basically, I'd like to reach my goal weight by the end of the year. I'm not posting my current weight but I will say that losing 21-26 pounds by December 31st wouldn't exactly hurt my feelings and doing so even sooner might make me dance a little jig. No promises, though.

I'm sure you're wondering what is motivating me (even if you didn't know you were wondering, you are) so I'll clue you in. I have $90 worth of jeans sitting in my closet with the tags still intact. It appears that one day I became overly confident and picked up a couple of pairs in a size that I may have been able to fit into when I was an infant. Still, I refuse to let them go to waste so the day I can slide them on without the use of any outside help, I will know that Operation Ass Shrink was executed successfully.

And with that, see you again next week!

Yesterday, You Said Today

2011-08-21T02:15:00.009-05:00

The title of this post is a reference to all of the times I said I was going to start my diet and then allowed myself to be seduced by a package of Oreos less than 24 hours later. Well, Oreos, I'm breaking up with you. It's not you . . . well, actually, it IS you and everything you do to my ass when we hang out. So, with that said, WE'RE THROUGH! Wow! I feel so liberated!

Moving on . . .

I want to make this a realistic effort. I know that as much as I would like to attempt to limit my diet to a leaf of lettuce and a carrot stick per day, that's just not going to happen. Since I want to do this the right way, it's with a heavy sigh that I resign myself to the fact that this is going to take some time. Last year, I lost 40 pounds on a diet I like to call "Weight Watchers with a Lindsay Twist", and although it was effective, I think I would rather shove jagged shards of glass into my eyes than do it that way again. Oh yeah, I also managed to gain about 20 pounds of it back in the past year and it's a cruel reality to face when the Jaws of Life are needed to fit into a pair of once-loved skinny jeans. I think my best bet is to remove the "with a Lindsay Twist" and channel Jennifer Hudson in my ass-shrinking journey. After all, she told me that if she can do it, so can I, and who am I to question a paid spokesperson?

The idea for this blog is to post my weigh-ins once a week in order to keep track of my progress. I'll set goals for myself each week and if I don't meet them, I'm going to eat a box of doughnuts as punishment. Wait . . . what? Oh, I see what I'm doing here . . . since there's no chance that I'm going to fail, I don't have to be concerned with the threat of doughnuts. PHEW! So after I take my chubby self to bed and wake up 12 hours later (wishful thinking?), I'll post my first weigh-in and set my goal for the week. To anyone who might stumble upon this blog, you better wish me luck . . . or else.